The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles
by Master Linguini
Summary: This here be the story about a mysterious hombre who calls himself Andrey Kalashnik. Andrey is a funky man who faces a lot of weird stuff everyday. Will he survive the wacky world that is The Mojave Wasteland? Stay tuned, ya gosh darn sons of guns.
1. Part uno

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

The date is October 3, 2281, war is still goin' on and ol' Easy Pete is taking a leak on a bighorner. "Yep." he exclaims peacefully. A few miles away from him happens to be Doc Mitchell's house, or mansion judging by the Mojave Wasteland's default sanctuaries and settlements. Inside the Doc's crib lays a mysterious individual with a grizzled beard, dark red eyes and long black hair. This unknown man has been recently dug out from a grave by a big, friendly, and cowboy-like robot that goes by the name Victor, which probably explains why he looks like he's been knocked the heck out. As the time passes, Doc Mitchell, the doctor who's literally in the house, stares at the unconscious dude, patiently waiting for him to wake up. Once our main man Mr. X finally awakes, Doc Mitchell hollered out with glee "JUMPING JEHOSEPHAT, IT'S A MIRACLE!"

The mysterious fellow opens his eyes and gets bombarded with a million messages and notes that appear in front of his eyes. This kills the man. Once the annoying messages stopped popping up, Mister Mitchell himself throws a look at the stranger and says with concern "WOAH EASY THERE EASY". Our soon to be protagonist becomes confused and begins to ponder where the heck he is. The mustachioed doctor asks for the grizzled man's name, the hombre can't actually remember his real name, so he shifts his eyes around a room and spots a loaded AK-47 and an old pre-war book on socialism. That gives the idea to name himself "Andrey Kalashnik".

To be continued.


	2. Part dos

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles: Part 2

Once our grizzled maestro utters out his name, Doc Mitchell gives our protagonist the stinky eye and replies with "Hmphph, that's not the name I'd give ya, to be honest", to that, Andrey gives Mitchell a mental middle finger. Then in a moment, mister Kalashnik gets up from the semen stained and ripped mattress and tries his best to balance himself. The Doc gets shocked and shouts "WOAH EASY THERE EASY TRY NOT TO TRIP NOW", but not to worry, good ol' Andrey knows his donuts when it comes to that.

Doc Mitchell then directs Andrey to his Vit-o-matic Vigor Tester so he can find out Kalashnik's statistics. The second our long haired hombre steps in front of the machine, a punching bag flings out of the tester and screams with a robot voice "PUNCH ME SO I COULD CALCULATE YOUR RAW PHYSICAL POWER, YOUR INTELLIGENCE, YOUR NATURAL AGILITY ET CETERA." Andrey, without hesitation, smacks the squeaking punching bag and then waits for his results.

The machine makes some beeping noises and vomits out a list with the not so long awaited information Andrey wishes to see. Señor Kalashnik takes a look at the list and is left pretty content. The list says he is fairly strong, quite intelligent and pretty charismatic, but not really flexible, agile and a lucky son of a gun. Doc Mitchell cracks a shit-eating grin and then makes a snarky comment regarding Andrey's luck. The Doc is officially on Maestro Kalashnik's shit list.

Mitchell tells Andrey to follow him to the living so he can ask him psychological questions so he can determine what his specialties are. Andrey does a somersault in the air and lands perfectly on the couch. Doc Mitchell then tells Andrey to shut his mouth and look at the drawings he'll be taking out. So, Mitchell pulls a wrinkled inked drawing from his bottom and asks Andrey what he sees. Andrey says he sees a Ukrainian clown slapping on some diapers. Then the Doc takes out another drawing and patiently waits for Andrey's statement. Aaaand Andrey says he sees the same thing. He says the same thing for every drawing the Doc whips out. After an hour or so, Mitchell declares that Andrey is skilled at explosive weapons, speaking and science.

Andrey borrows a wasteland settler outfit from Mitchell's drawers and steps outside again.


	3. Part tres

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 3

And so it begins, Andrey Kalashnik steps outside for the first time in a long while and takes a moment to glance at the barren Mojave Wasteland. He finds the view unbelievably magnificent. After a minute or two of admiring the ambiance, Andrey notices a raven in front of Doc Mitchell's porch and gets a funky idea. The grizzled maestro hops on the wooden fence, positions himself properly and jumps right on the raven, smashing it with his elbow and causing it to explode into pieces of bird guts and spurt out a gallon of blood. Andrey is now marginally covered in the raven's red bodily fluids and slightly reeks of death, but at least he's a bit more skilled in bird squashing now, right?

Andrey walks down the street looking around to see if there's anything interesting going on. He notices that this little town has a fair amount of houses and a few hot spots where you can stop by and get served, such as the pioneer saloon, the gas station and the general store. But just as he's strolling along, the aforementioned robot that goes by the name of Victor pops up out of nowhere and instantly initiates a conversation with our protagonist.

"Howdy, partner!" greets Victor, "Glad yer finally conscious and already struttin' on yer feet after that whole funkadelic incident 'n all." Maestro Kalashnik feels a little uncomfortable because he isn't really sure who this friendly talking thingamabob is, but nonetheless he wishes to cooperate with it and replies to its questions and gestures. Andrey then becomes a curious little bugger and asks Victor where the heck he's at. The considerably tall and sort of voluminous friendly robot says that this here is Goodsprings, a quiet little town located in the west side of the Mojave Wasteland and along the Long 15. Victor also says that Goodsprings is almost deserted due to the fact that a lot of critters and poop-kickin' sons of guns sometimes show up unannounced and stir a lot of trouble. Andrey now gets the idea why this little settlement looks so deserted. Maestro Kalashnik then asks the friendly robot who was the wanker that shot him in the head, but unfortunately, Victor doesn't really know. Once the two compadres finished chit-chatting, the grizzled maestro decides to visit the pioneer saloon to check what's up.

Just as the grizzled hombre was about to enter the saloon, he twisted his head and saw a dark skinned old fart sittin' on a rocking chair and puffin' on a fat hashish blunt. Andrey Kalashnik walks up the elder dude and greets him by hooting out a simple "Yo." The old man slowly rolls his red eyes up at the long haired maestro and blows out a thick mist of smoke from his ears and then has a coughing fit. The intoxicated old-timer then grins and exclaims in calm tone "Howdy." Andrey becomes concerned and asks what's up with him and to that; the old man simply says he's just relaxing from a hard day's work. Mister Kalashnik then asks what's the elder dude's name is. The dark skinned feller squints his eyes and quietly says "It's Easy Pete. The name's Easy Pete, son." Andrey replies "Riiight…" and politely says au revoir to the coffin-dodger.

Once Andrey enters the saloon, he instantly gets barked at by some mutt that thinks he's a threat to society. A good looking dame looks at the dog and says "Cheyenne stay. Dunn worry, she only bites ass chunks if I tell her to." Andrey is now a bit calmer and asks the red-haired Madame qué pasa en la casa. The young lady says that she's heard about señor Kalashnik's stay at Doc Mitchell's house and asks if he's alright. To that, Andrey says he's never been better. The nice lady then finally introduces herself and says her name is Sunny Smiles. Our protagonist then smirks and confidently says his name is Andrey Kalashnik. Once the red-haired gal hears our grizzled maestro's name, she starts laughing really hard and even falls on the floor, smashing an innocent little ant that was delivering food to its family. That's another person on Andrey's shit list. Sunny then gets up and apologizes and says that his name is just very unique, so that's why she found it extremely humourous for some reason. As a token of her apology, she offers Andrey to teach him how to shoot with a rifle. Mister Kalashnik says thanks, but maybe another time. To that, Sunny just shrugged and said "Suit yourself, yo."

Andrey then walks over to the bar and notices that a woman and some dark skinned bandito are arguing. Our grizzled and long haired maestro then gets a feeling that Goodsprings is definitely in trouble.


	4. Part cuatro

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 4

Oh boy, Goodsprings is definitely in some deep shit right now. A dark skinned man is arguing and tossing a few threats here and there to a woman who seems to be the owner of this saloon. Once the two parties finally finish arguing, the dark skinned feller turns around, notices Andrey, calls him a "knob head" and leaves the premises by strutting slowly with his arms crossed. The aforementioned woman looks stressed and extremely annoyed, so our long haired and suave maestro walks up to her and asks her what's going on and who was that little man who wanted to teach the lady and the town a thing or two. The stressed out woman then grins and introduces herself right away. She says her name is Trudy and mentions that she is the bartender of this saloon and the handy-dandy mayor of Goodsprings. Regarding Andrey's second question, Trudy says that the short-tempered and almost bald hombre was Joe Cobb, a leader of a group of escaped convicts that are part of the so called Powder Gangers. Apparently, Joe Corn-on-the-Cobb's gang is angered at some trader who's hiding in the gas-station on the hill and they demand him to be handed out to them, or else they will burn this town to the ground like a burnin' ring of fire.

Since Andrey got dissed by that dark-skinned son of a gun, our magnificent grizzled maestro wishes to help out the unfortunate trader and the town that is in possible peril, so he asks Trudy if he could have the keys to the gas-station so he could meet up with the trader and think of a plan, man. The casually dressed lady becomes doubtful and reluctant and asks our protagonist why he wishes to do that. Maestro Kalashnik just simply smirks and says "Well, I've never really liked men in blue and I'd hate to see that mole rat getting his shoes licked by you folks." Trudy thinks what Andrey said is fair enough and hands him the keys to the gas-station.

Our long haired maestro approaches the gas-station and whips out his keys so he could unlock the door. The moment he enters the building, the previously mentioned trader with a horrible fashion taste draws his revolver and asks Andrey what he is doing in here. Señor Kalashnik then gets witty and tells him that if he's gonna shoot, he better not miss. The man with the gun then holsters his weapon and apologizes for the inconvenience and awkwardly introduces himself. He says his name is Ringo and works for the Crimson Caravan Company. Andrey then cracks a bigger smile and hollers out "Ah, Ringo like a dingo right? Hehehe…" Maestro Ringo then executes a fake laugh because you, the reader, have no idea how many times he has heard that throughout his miserable yet astonishing life. But cutting to the chase, Andrey tells Ringo that he is here to help him out from this whole Joe Cobb-kun dilemma and save the day. The brown haired trader then moans out in pure grief that he appreciates the offer but he doubts the people of Goodsprings with Sunny excluded will help him out. Andrey Kalashnik then hops on the desk, expands his dong and says not to worry because he will convince the town to help him out. Ringo then sheds a tear and thanks him. Before Mister Kalashnik leaves the gas-station, he notices a box filled with sunglasses and quickly walks to the box so he could browse the shades. After approximately five minutes and twenty one seconds, Andrey spots some black-tinted teashades and instantly puts them on. Swagger has been achieved.

Maestro Kalashnik runs around the town smooth-talking people into helping him and Ringo out. Thanks to his charismatic nature, Andrey manages to convince Trudy to gather up the town in front of the saloon, easily manages to convince Easy Pete into handing out his dynamite stash, instantly manages to convince Sunny into joining in, asks Doctor Mitchell to hand out a few medicine supplies and secretly snatches a few guns and some ammunition from the general store without the knowledge of the salesman. What a buffoon that merchant is.

Once he finishes preparing the town to fight, he returns to Ringo and tells him that everyone is all set up and ready to wrestle. Before Andrey finishes his words, Sunny barges in the gas-station and notifies the two gentlemen that the Powder Gangers are on their way. Shit is about to get real.


	5. Part cinco

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 5

It's going down like a clown now. The entire town of Goodsprings is standing in front of the Prospector Saloon armed with weapons that are probably going to break soon and patiently awaiting Joe Cobb's gang to arrive. Ringo is hiding behind a pile of sacks that are loaded with fishnet stockings and dog hide, weeping and praying for the best. Easy Pete is taking an astronomical bong hit for good luck and Sunny Smiles is brushing her teeth with tar so she could potentially scare away the villainous powder gangers with her vile dentition. Trudy is liquoring herself up with some pure vodka so she could forget about the exciting events that will soon occur in her own little town. Doc Mitchell is looking up some pre-war illustrated Japanese pornography on his Pip-Boy and spanking his salami to it because he doesn't really care if the town shall be victorious or not. And last but not least, the happy aforementioned merchant is constructing a tower made out of parmesan cheese in his own little basement for no reason at all. What a cool guy.

The moment of truth is coming; the powder gangers are slowly marching towards the little settlement with angry looks on their faces and a lot of melee weapons in their hands. Our magnificent grizzled maestro is sitting on a tree, keeping watch on Joe Cobb's gang with his binoculars so he could make sure when the right time to begin the bulwark is. A few minutes pass, Andrey notices that the gangers are really close to the town, so he cautiously jumps from the tree, quickly runs to the citizens of Goodsprings and ear-splittingly yells to them "OI THEM WANKERS BE COMIN'!"

Andrey is heroically standing in front of the people of this town with the wind blowing his black mane of excellence and his nose itching like hell. The powder gangers are marching even faster and they are becoming hostile. They begin to walk faster. They approach the town yelling and squealing insults and threats. They are finally here, it's time to mambo.

Maestro Kalashnik pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it with his rusty zippo and throws it at a topless and literally shit-faced powder ganger who's wielding a baseball bat. The blast radius knocks out two gangers and kills the one that was swinging around the wooden bat. Easy Pete aimlessly shoots out a few rounds from his six-shooter and manages to knock off one of the gangers' hat off… and also shoots one of them in the groin. Sunny Smiles runs up to one light skinned ganger and kisses him on the cheek, causing that one ganger to disintegrate and turn into a pile of ash. Ringo is perpetually soiling his pants and shedding ginormous tears due to the fact that he is literally scared shitless of his possible death. Trudy is throwing bottles of alcohol at the gangers, hoping she will hit one of them in the head and barbarically shave their face. Andrey Kalashnik grabs the baseball bat from one of the dead bodies and instantly equips it. He runs towards Joe Cobb and hops on his back riding him like a mechanical bull in a redneck bar. "GET OFF ME, YOU FUCKING SHIT MUCUS" yells Joe as he is facing inevitable extinction. Maestro Andrey starts beating up the powder gang leader with his left hand and ruthlessly clobbering his pint-sized head with his right hand. After ten minutes of bashing and bonking, Andrey finally defeats Joe Cobb and his gang and saves the town of Goodsprings.

Señor Kalashnik walks to the people of this small town only to be cheered and praised by the inhabitants of this little place. Ringo raises his head, notices that the gangers are completely dead, hops in the air in pure glee, dashes to our magnificent protagonist and hugs him extremely tightly while thanking him a lot. Andrey appreciates the compliments Ringo is throwing at him and that he saved him, but he'd prefer if the trader puts him down. The Crimson Caravan trader then lets him down, pays him 250 caps as a token of his appreciation and says he'll be going back to the company so he could continue having a normal life once again. The grizzled maestro then becomes concerned and asks Ringo if he will survive walking back home judging by the way he acted during the warfare. Ringo then blushes and says that he'll figure a way out. Andrey says fair enough and bids farewell to the easily frightened trader.

Mister Kalashnik thinks today's been a tough day for him, so he goes back to Doc Mitchell's house, notices the walls have been repainted in white, takes a huge swig of malt beer, lays on the semen stained mattress and falls asleep, pondering what new adventures await him in the distant future.


	6. Part seis

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 6

The sun is rising, the bighorners are squealing like a pack of angered Australians and Doc Mitchell is still wanking like a Dutch farmer. Andrey Kalashnik barely slept because maestro Mitchell's moans of pleasure kept our magnificent, long haired and sunglasses-wearing protagonist awake all night. Andrey is extremely tired and wishes to sleep a little bit more, but unfortunately he mustn't slack off and get back to work in finding out who was the man that shot him in the head. So, he hesitantly gets up from the filthy mattress and slowly walks to the living room to greet Mitchell. The qualified doctor is still dedicatedly polishing the family jewels like a mad man. Andrey, with an angered look on his face, asks Mitchell why he just won't stop punching the clown; he says it's become insane that he can go so hard for oh so long. Doc Mitchell then stops, takes an extraordinarily big breath, exhales, looks at the disgruntled hombre and bellows out a steady stream of very charming words that go something like "WHY DON'T YOU MIND YER OWN HOT DAMN ROOTIN'-TOOTIN' SIX-SHOOTER SHOOTIN' BUSINESS, SON AUGHEGH". Andrey sighs, rolls his eyes and cartwheels straight to the kitchen. Mister Kalashnik opens the fridge and notices that there is a slice of pecan pie in there, but it's covered in fungus. Señor Kalashnik is aware that this homemade frozen dessert is most definitely poisonous and could cause our protagonist to experience and intense yet agonizing anal evacuation soon, but he's really hungry and there's nothing else in the fridge, so he hopes for the best and eats the expired dessert. He instantly feels like shit. Andrey then walks to the bathroom and drains his lizard in the wrecked toilet bowl. Once he finishes extracting the yellow bodily fluids, he spins around facing the basin and wishes to brush his teeth. He notices that there is an almost empty tube of toothpaste and a functioning faucet, but sadly, no toothbrush. Our weary protagonist then improvises and grabs a plunger, squeezes out the remaining bits of icky toothpaste on the handle and audaciously brushes those not so pearly whites.

Maestro Kalashnik steps outside and decides to finally check out the Goodsprings general store so he could see what they're selling. Andrey kicks the door with his boots and violently yells "QUÉ PASA EN LA CASA?" The happy aforementioned merchant gets spooked and slips on a banana. Okay, that's a bit too comical. Let's just say the merchant gets really scared, alright. So, the salesman gets grumpy and asks our protagonist what he wants. Andrey then gets smug and says "Don't cha' know me? I'm that guy who saved your town from them powder gangers and shit." The merchant has no idea who he is, maybe he doesn't know because he never leaves this store, could be a possible reason. The salesman says that the two got off to a bad start and he wishes to introduce himself. He says his name is Chet, Chet Thatshisname. Our protagonist then sticks his hand out for a handshake and says his name is Andrey Kalashnik. Chet tries his best not to bust a gut from laughing the moment he heard that name. Surprise surprise, another member on maestro Kalashnik's shit-list has been added and this time, Andrey wants to punch his teeth out with his bare hands. When Chet finishes laughing, he offers our protagonist to brose his arsenal of weapons and miscellaneous items. Andrey accepts his offer and initiates the browsing session. After around eight minutes of mindless nibbling, maestro Kalashnik notices that there's a frying pan hidden under the mass pile of decent weaponry, so he digs through the pile, grabs the weapon, gets a weird look from Chet, pays it with his earned caps from yesterday and bids the snarky salesman au revoir.

Andrey skips to the saloon to check what's up and greets the once again intoxicated Easy Pete who seems to be meditating and levitating at the same time. The long haired maestro barges into the saloon and hollers good morning to everyone. The folks at the bar wave their hands and tell him the same thing in response. Andrey sits on a stool and orders a shot of Jim Beam and a nice piña colada because he's feeling quite generous to himself right now. Trudy then slides the drinks across the bar hoping Andrey will catch them, and he does. Maestro Kalashnik takes a sip of the colada and asks the good ol' mayor why the radio isn't working. Trudy says that a while ago, some slick Casanova and his gang of savages were in this bar a week ago and one of them "accidentally" smashed the radio. Andrey then offers to fix the radio because he wants to jam to some tunes on the radio. The democratic and alcoholic lady then says that if he manages to fix it, she will give him a discount and a nice payment too. Andrey then shines his glasses and immediately gets to work. After half an hour of tinkering and playing with fuses, the grizzled maestro successfully fixes the radio and notifies it to Trudy. The short-haired mistress then slaps her knee and gives our protagonist 50 caps for his hard work. Andrey then raises his eyebrow and says he deserves a fairer payment. Trudy then knees him in the balls and whispers in his ear "I hate it when people are pushy with me."

You know, I think Andrey is going to chill out for a while now, because he isn't really feeling like going outside yet. We'll see…


	7. Part siete

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 7

The pain in Andrey's nutsack just won't hit the road. Oh woe is him. The piña colada doesn't really seal the twinge that bounces around our magnificent protagonist's groin area. Ten minutes later, the loveable yet questionable Sunny Smiles drops in the saloon and hollers "HOWDY Y'ALL" to the drunken and dreading on life inhabitants at the bar. The red-haired lady slides to our long-haired maestro, sits on a stool beside him, orders a strong drink and spins her head like a merry go 'round for no apparent reason. She looks at the filled with angst and sunglasses-wearing chum and greets with her teeth closed "What's up, amigo?" Andrey turns his head around rather slowly and says howdy in return. Sunny Smiles then bashes the ordered drink on her head and says with a serious tone "Enough chit-chat, Andrey. Are you ready to be taught how to finally shoot with a rifle, because if you stay in this saloon and wallow yourself in even more pity, then I guess I'll never be good for you." These words made our astonishing grizzled protagonist to man up, tighten his testicles, shine his glasses with his shirt and finally accept señora Smiles' offer. As they're leaving, Trudy looks at maestro Kalashnik and softly winks at him. This leaves him the impression that the drunken mayor is not to be bugged with at some times.

The two are outside out now, setting up some Sunset Sarsaparilla bottles on a wooden rail as shooting targets. Once they finish putting up the fragile bottles, Sunny equips her varmint rifle, tells Andrey to check her out and aims for the neck of the small and tubular container of delicious sarsaparilla. She shoots and she scores. The bullet successfully hits the designated spot and ricochets around the place eventually hitting an irradiated wastelander in the chest. The dying wastelander then screams in beautiful pain that he is thankful for this unintentional merciful kill. Maestro Kalashnik grabs a spare rifle from Sunny and aims at the dusty bottles. The red-haired chica suggests that he should crouch if he wants to steadily aim and perhaps not miss. Andrey chuckles and exclaims that only wankers who love to be eternally breastfed by their mothers would do such a thing, so he spins the varmint rifle on his finger, busts a funky dance move, aims at the sarsaparilla bottles again and finally pulls the rusty good-for-nothing trigger. The bullet that hath been locked up in a claustrophobic-worthy prison bravely escapes the damned reign of the so called rifle through the muzzle and freely flies away, soaring in the air like a bald eagle in a summer morning. The 5.56mm round is flying around in joy and excitement, because it is finally able to see its family after all these horrifying years. But oh no, it seems there has been a sudden twist of events. The flying bullet's inevitable death is way closer than you would think. This is bad news. This also means the bullet will never be able to see its family ever again. The flying metal pellet then confidently accepts its status quo and faces its heroic end. The bullet hits the body of the bottle and dies with patriotic pride. Andrey has just executed a m-m-m-m-m-monster kill kill kill….

Andrey manages to shoot off three bottles with ease. Sunny is left impressed and asks Andrey if he could help her out with a gecko problem that's being going around lately. Maestro Kalashnik grins and tells señora Smiles to lead the way.

Sunny and Andrey arrive at the gecko gang area and crouch behind a bush so they could not be spotted. Our long black haired son of a gun equips the frying pan he bought earlier and gets a weird look from Sunny. "What? Frying pans are pretty blunt and efficient and besides, things are about to get sizzled up in here" says our strategic maestro. Sunny rolls her eyes. Andrey hears a few animal coughs and wheezes and assumes it's those geckos that have been stirring up trouble. So, mister Kalashnik takes a peak from out of the bush and scans the area for the vermin. He sees nothing and is left confused, so he lays low with Sunny for a little longer. A minute later, Andrey gets a tap on the shoulder and tells whoever it is to bug off. The tapping intensifies, so Kalashnik, extremely bothered, turns around and tells in a rude fashion that whoever it is that is bothering him must immediately cease. But before he could finish his impolite request, he notices that the tapping comes from the rowdy geckos that have been recently annoying the folks of Goodsprings. Andrey the awkwardly laughs a little and quietly tells Sunny to prepare herself for one heck of a brawl. The gang of geckos then become hostile and begin to bite and gnaw our protagonist. Andrey Kalashnik barrel-rolls to a safe distance and begins to whack the wild rabid animals to a pulp. He bashes their sharp teeth in cold-blood and uppercuts one of them with his right foot. Sunny Smiles whistles for help and waits for her trusty dog Cheyenne to assist them. Andrey is pulverizing these petty beasts with a maniacal look on his face. A minute passes and good ol' Cheyenne is here to the rescue. The white-furred poochie bites the rest of the geckos while Andrey is bashing and bonking the others with his frying pan and Sunny smiles is quenching her thirst with a bottle of root beer.

The last gecko is killed and our heroes think that the work here is done, but then they suddenly hear screams of distress. Seems one of the geckos fled away from the battle and is holding a female Goodsprings settler hostage. Andrey says fuck no to that, jumps in the air and throws the frying pan at the animal, hoping he will hit the blue-green gecko and finally save the day. The skillet stubs the gecko's toe, causing it to run away while whimpering. The woman that was just recently endangered looks at our protagonist, screams "MY HERO!" and hugs him tightly and kisses him thoroughly. Once she finishes physically embracing the long-haired maestro, she puts him down, gives him a big smooch on the cheek and tells him to visit her sometime.

Sunny Smiles congratulates Andrey and tells him he did a great job and will tell everyone about his magnificent selflessness. And there she goes, leaving maestro Kalashnik all alone in the barren wasteland. At least our hero did something he's proud of today.

Andrey returns to the saloon and finishes his piña colada while silently jamming to the tunes on the radio, I wonder what other adventures await our maestro out there in the Mojave Wasteland.


	8. Part ocho

The Andrey Kalashnik Chronicles

Part 8

It's another dull day for Andrey Kalashnik. Our good ol' magnificent protagonist is outside shearing his name on some bighorners and egging the Yangtze memorial from time to time. This unbearable boredom is driving our long black-haired, suave, red-eyed and sunglasses-wearing maestro crazy and he might even go insane soon. So, Andrey yawns extremely loudly, causing some protectron about 2 miles away to malfunction and explode, skips to the saloon and enters the establishment by cartwheeling like a rubber wheel inexplicably rolling around the desert. Maestro Kalashnik spots Sunny and Cheyenne playing pool with shish kebabs instead of pool cues and walks up to the red-haired chica to ask her qué pasa en la casa. Sunny screams for no reason, looks at Andrey and says hey. Señor Kalashnik, feeling awkward and what not, asks Sunny if there is anything else he could do in this small settlement that goes by the silly name of Goodsprings. Miss Smiles thinks for a moment and after twenty one minutes of non-stop wondering, she tells Andrey that he could go to the abandoned schoolhouse that's nearby and snatch the loot from the locked safe. She also mentions that many people have tried unlocking the metal box, but the only thing they've looted was failure. So, Sunny spits out a few bobby pins and a rusty screwdriver in maestro Kalashnik's hands and whispers in his ear "Go get 'em, tiger."

Andrey arrives at his destination and slowly approaches the entrance. He leans a bit further and extends his right arm at the wooden and covered in termites door while his hand is trembling in excitement and slight fear. The moment he knocks on the door of truth, the wooden gateway instantly crumbles into dust and gets blown away by the delicate and cool wind. Where's a laugh track when you need one, right? Anyways, Andrey sets a foot inside the abandoned building and holy moly is it dark in here. Maestro Kalashnik can barely see anything. Andrey whips out his zippo that is low on lighter fuel and lights it so he could see what's going on. As he's walking on the squeaking wooden floor, he encounters a pack of miniature mantes wearing boxing gloves in the distance. The pack leader then jumps in front of Andrey and lifts its front legs up, making a "come at me" gesture. Maestro Kalashnik instantly gets the idea and equips his trusty frying pan. The magnificent hombre then swings the aluminum skillet at the puke-green mantes and bashes their pathetic little heads. One of the mantises tries to scratch señor Kalashnik's leg, but it's unfortunately defective. Our magnífico protagonist then climbs on one of the dusty student desks, leaps in the air and executes a brutal wrestling move on the tiny boxing glove wearing insects that are now whimpering in fear like a bunch of petty cowards. His manly body pulverizes the has-beens and leaves them dead for good. The last remaining mantis crouches on its knees, cries out "Watashi o yurushite, ryōshi" and beats itself up to a pulp. Cheers to the unexpected conveniences.

After this unnecessary brawl finished, Andrey walks up to the aforementioned safe Sunny talked about and gazes at it in its true glory. Our magnificent protagonist then thinks about how will he be able to unlock this miniature vault using only a bobby pin and a chewed-on screwdriver and not mess things up. Andrey stares at the safe and ponders what mysterious things lay inside this heavy, metal and sealed crate. Maestro Kalashnik gets an idea and raises his hands high in the air. He locks on the safe's façade and slaps it with both of his palms with a lot of force, but sadly, no results. Then Andrey attempts to unlock the miniature vault of mysteries by throwing the screwdriver at it like a giant hunter's spear, but that only causes the safe to get marginally scratched and the screwdriver to explode into many sharp pieces. Andrey is now starting to get frustrated, so he angrily lifts his right foot, unties his shoe in agony, rips off his sock in vexation and inserts his great toe's toenail in the damned lock. He screws it around and would you believe it, it actually works. The lock makes a beautiful and long-awaited *click* sound and the safe hatch slowly opens. Andrey cracks a shit-eating grin and finally peaks what's inside the vault. He digs in and finds an expired bottle of Nuka-Cola Quartz, some pinyon nuts and an old pre-war science fiction magazine that seems to have some mysterious white stains on it. Of all the lousy bad luck. Andrey gets really pissed and starts bashing his head on the wall out of fury. He grabs the bottle, throws it at one of the corpses, breaks his arms on the counter and starts busting some tribal dances out of pure infuriation. After a few good minutes of exorcising the angered sprits, Andrey calms down and decides to go to Doc Mitchell's crib.

Maestro Kalashnik enters the house and is frankly surprised to not hear Mitchell wanking to his Japanese pornography like always. He silently trots to the living room and sees the Doc lying on the ground, passed out. Seems all's well that ends well. Andrey walks to the clinic room and grabs a stimpak, injecting half a dose of it per arm. After a few painful pricks, our long-haired protagonist is feeling all better. Andrey then sits on the mephitic mattress and thinks if it's finally time to hit the road and start searching for that son of a gun that left a bullet in his head. After approximately five minutes of thinking and what not, he decides that it is time to finally leave this dump. So, before our magnificent maestro vamooses this crib and says goodbye to some fellers, he grabs a fused cherry bomb that has been in his pocket for a while now, lights it and dumps in Doc Mitchell's toilet so he could quench his thirst for vengeance. No one disses Andrey Kalashnik's characteristics. Ever. As our protagonist is leaving, he notices a strange little wrist utility in Mitchell's trash can. He snatches this little thingy and puts it on, deeming it to be possibly very useful in the near future.

Andrey says hasta la vista to the citizens and Goodsprings and starts heading down the road to a town named Primm. I wonder what surprises await him there.


End file.
